Self awareness in my day blog#2

     My kids slept in my mother’s bed last night my son is already up when I get up but my daughter is still sleeping and it takes a while to get her up I get frustrated and think “I shouldn’t let them sleep in her bed” when she does get up she gets herself ready easily and then I’m relieved. There is fear of judgment from the school staff if we are late. There is some guilt making their lunch because they get the same lunch a lot but they like it.

     We get to school, my daughter walks off with a friend I feel a little sad she wasn’t going to say bye, I tell her have a good day. I walk my son to his line and he interacts with some kids which makes me happy a positive energy around my heart. He walks up with his class and I follow the class to help him with his stuff when I get up there he’s already taken care of his stuff coat/back pack and is going into class and there’s more of the same positive happy energy.

     Later preparing snacks for the school there is some anxiety about whether there is enough and how to distribute fairly and some fear of judgment from the person I am working with about me setting it up fairly.

     When I get home from the school I play some guitar trying to write some music I notice certain notes I feel like a condensed positive feeling in the heart area and energy moving through me with the moving of the music. I remember thinking about how people are manipulated through the music on the radio, if the notes make you feel a certain way then you can brain wash people with crap. Back chat: “radio music sucks”.

     I remember not knowing what to do with myself for a bit I started thinking about how Disney gradually becomes more violent as the kids get older, back chat: “I hate Disney”. I get a little angry. I end up watching some videos on you tube I enjoyed.

     When the kids get home from school I make dinner and they don’t eat so I get a little angry and after a while I want them to take a bath, my daughter decides she doesn’t want a bath so I get frustrated trying to talk her into it and can hardly stop myself from saying the f word, after some pleading she takes a bath. There mom is coming to take them for the weekend so I’m getting frustrated by the time limit. When their mom picks them up I help put them in the car, they get hugs and kisses and I feel love positive energy giving them an extra squeeze.

Looking back on this day I can see how this love feeling can get in the way of the kids gaining independence and distract me from my responsibility.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting my kids up in the morning to an emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I shouldn’t let them sleep in her bed”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not put in effort in getting my kids up in the morning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not put in effort to get my kids up in the morning to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being judged for bringing the kids to school late to an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect giving my kids a lunch they get often to an emotional experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my daughter walking away without saying good bye to an emotional experience of sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my son interacting with other kids to an experience of feeling happy with an energetic experience around the heart that feels like pressure on the heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my son taking responsibility with his back pack and coat to an experience of feeling happy with an energetic experience around the heart that feels like pressure on the heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within a feeling of happiness that feels like a glowing pressure on the heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect there not being enough food to be distributed fairly to an emotional experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the possibility of being judge for not effectively distribute food in the school to an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect moving of music and certain notes to an experience of a positively charged feeling around the heart and moving throughout my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “radio music sucks”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought of people being manipulated by music to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Disney being violent to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional state of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my kids wasting food to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my kids not eating there dinner to the idea of me wasting my time cooking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having my kids not eating dinner to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the idea of me wasting my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my daughter refusing to take a bath to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my kids not cooperating to the F word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my kids not cooperating to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “F#$%”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect having a time limit to an emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my kids leaving and giving them hugs and kisses to feeling an experience of love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an experience of feeling love.

 Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Self awareness in my day blog#1

 

     I wake up in the morning the same time my mother shows up from work and I open the door for her, I get some anxiety as I see I left the Christmas lights on all night and guilt because she pays the hydro bills. Next it’s time to get the kids up for school, I start to get a little anxious as usual not knowing how easy they would get up I just was gentle as I could be saying good morning till I was acknowledged and was relieved after they came down easily.

When I got to the school with my son I first noticed a woman walking and thought “here we go again looking for a girl friend” so I shook it off, I notice I have some form of reaction or judgment to most people if not all. On the way up to my sons locker I seen a woman and she looked sad to me and I got a little sad and thought “I don’t like this world” she is not really what most would consider attractive and that really seems crapy to me.

After I get my son to class I went to get busy with the snack program, I’m a little groggy and am not really being aware, just having internal conversations and brought an empty cart to where we prepare the food forgetting to grab the food from the office it’s kept in.

Later on back at home I sit at my computer. I see this article on Arab women standing up for their equality and I get happy and hopeful and then I get a flash of this picture my Arab friend showed me on his phone of a man from his country who had his penis cut off by his wife, some fear and squeamishness come with this picture yet also positively charged with some hope that it sends a message, I think to myself “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my mother coming home with the Christmas lights still on to an emotional experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect wasting my mother’s money to an emotional experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting my kids up in the morning to an emotional experience of anxiousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of anxiousness that I start charging with the thought of getting my kids up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman walking to the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself a woman/seeing a woman to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman who seemed to be what most would consider unattractive looking sad, to an emotional experience of sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional experience of sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman who seems unattractive being sad to the thought “I don’t like this world”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing a woman who seems unattractive being sad to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “I don’t like this world”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect reading about Arab women standing up for their equality to an experience of feeling happy/hopeful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within a feeling of a happy/hopeful experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself a picture of my friend holding a cell phone with a picture of a mangled bright red penis to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture to the thought “maybe this will send a message”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture to the thought “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hope, fear and squeamishness to a picture in my mind of my friend holding a cell phone with a picture of a mangled bright red penis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a positively charged feeling of hope to thinking this might send a message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way” to an emotional experience of hopelessness.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.