Self awareness in my day blog#1

 

     I wake up in the morning the same time my mother shows up from work and I open the door for her, I get some anxiety as I see I left the Christmas lights on all night and guilt because she pays the hydro bills. Next it’s time to get the kids up for school, I start to get a little anxious as usual not knowing how easy they would get up I just was gentle as I could be saying good morning till I was acknowledged and was relieved after they came down easily.

When I got to the school with my son I first noticed a woman walking and thought “here we go again looking for a girl friend” so I shook it off, I notice I have some form of reaction or judgment to most people if not all. On the way up to my sons locker I seen a woman and she looked sad to me and I got a little sad and thought “I don’t like this world” she is not really what most would consider attractive and that really seems crapy to me.

After I get my son to class I went to get busy with the snack program, I’m a little groggy and am not really being aware, just having internal conversations and brought an empty cart to where we prepare the food forgetting to grab the food from the office it’s kept in.

Later on back at home I sit at my computer. I see this article on Arab women standing up for their equality and I get happy and hopeful and then I get a flash of this picture my Arab friend showed me on his phone of a man from his country who had his penis cut off by his wife, some fear and squeamishness come with this picture yet also positively charged with some hope that it sends a message, I think to myself “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my mother coming home with the Christmas lights still on to an emotional experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect wasting my mother’s money to an emotional experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting my kids up in the morning to an emotional experience of anxiousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of anxiousness that I start charging with the thought of getting my kids up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman walking to the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself a woman/seeing a woman to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “could this woman maybe become my girl friend”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman who seemed to be what most would consider unattractive looking sad, to an emotional experience of sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional experience of sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing a woman who seems unattractive being sad to the thought “I don’t like this world”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing a woman who seems unattractive being sad to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “I don’t like this world”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect reading about Arab women standing up for their equality to an experience of feeling happy/hopeful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within a feeling of a happy/hopeful experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself a picture of my friend holding a cell phone with a picture of a mangled bright red penis to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture to the thought “maybe this will send a message”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture to the thought “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hope, fear and squeamishness to a picture in my mind of my friend holding a cell phone with a picture of a mangled bright red penis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a positively charged feeling of hope to thinking this might send a message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “they will probably just say she was insane without questioning what made her that way” to an emotional experience of hopelessness.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

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