This morning I
woke up early feeling good and as I considered what I wanted to do with the
time I had before I had to get the kids up. I first considered doing some
writing but had some anxiety about getting into something with a time limit. I thought
“I don’t have time to get into anything”. Instead of doing something
constructive I just avoided the negative emotion and played a game on the
computer only to have a slightly lesser anxiety about wasting time that I
ignored by distracting myself.
On this day I woke
up with my neck and back in pain from wrestling with the kids a few days
earlier and when I went to wake up the kids my son wanted to be carried down
the stairs, so I went into fear about more pain, I told him no but went into
guilt as he insisted while being a little whiney and quite groggy so I gave in
feeling love and guilt.
The next occasion
I remember going into reaction is getting the kids out the door they where
staling and taking their time so I got frustrated and started trying to rush
them and then was frustrated all the way to school as they took their time
playing in the snow all the way there.
I got the kids to
school barely on time, I went into anxiety as the national anthem played, I
stood up straight like all the teachers in the hallway while one teacher was
telling a child to stand up, everyone ‘must’ stand at attention. National pride
is stupid to me so I have anxiety toward not giving in.
When I get home I
wasted more time with anxiety wasting time is quite a pattern for me so there
is guilt about that. I did very little that was constructive while waiting to
pick the kids back up from school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
having a time limit to an emotional experience of anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in an emotional experience of anxiety towards having a time limit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I
don’t have time to get into anything”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
having something I will have to do to the thought “I don’t have time to get
into anything”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having
something I will have to do as a trigger point within me, which triggers the
thought “I don’t have time to get into anything”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
pain to an emotional experience of fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
in an emotional experience of fear toward having pain from picking up my son.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
telling my son no to picking him up to an emotional experience of guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in an emotional experience of guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in a feeling of love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
my kids staling to get out the door to go to school to an emotional experience
of frustration/anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
the kids taking their time on the way to school to an emotional experience of
frustration.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in an emotional experience of frustration.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
standing for the national anthem to an emotional experience of anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge
the words ‘national pride’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ‘national
pride’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
separate myself from ‘national pride’ through judging national pride as ‘bad’ /
‘negative’ / ‘wrong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
wasting time with an emotional experience of anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
seeing myself within a pattern of wasting time to an emotional experience.
When and as I see myself try to avoid anxiety towards a time
limit by distracting myself I stop and breathe. I realize my participation in
finding a distraction inhibits me from moving responsibly and being trust
worthy.
I commit myself to move responsibly within the time I have
and get done what I can before I have to move onto other tasks.
When and as I see myself participating within the thought “I
don’t have time to get into anything”, I stop and breathe and access the truth
about whether I have time to accomplish something.
I commit myself move myself responsibly between what I have
set as schedule and stop the participation of the thought “I don’t have time to
get into anything”.
When and as I see myself go into a reaction of fear towards
pain I stop and breathe. I realize my participation with fear of pain often end
with me simply suppressing the fear instead of stopping and considering the
state of my physical body.
I commit myself to stop participation within fear of pain and
practically take into consideration the health of this physical body being sure
not to cause harm unnecessarily.
When and as I see myself go into a reaction of guilt or love
towards a request from my children I stop and breathe myself here in the
physical and move myself practically in consideration of what is best for all.
I realize giving into these emotions/feelings is just self interest in having
my emotions/feelings reinforced and acknowledged.
I commit myself to stop participating with love and guilt
when interacting with my children so I’m not teaching them manipulation and I
am acting as a responsible parent.
When and as I see myself go into an emotional state of
frustration towards my kids not cooperating to get to school I slow myself down
aware of breath and stop. I realize this frustration can only serve to cause
unwanted reaction and can continue to be charged up the longer I participate in
the frustration.
I commit myself to stop participating with frustration
towards my kids not cooperating to get to school so that I may direct the
situation responsibly.
When and as I see myself go into anxiety towards hearing the
national anthem I stop and breathe. I realize this anxiety as judgment of
others as well as self judgment for my conformity and collective stupidity
causing separation from the problem of separation.
I commit myself to when I hear the national anthem to stop
participation in anxiety/fear and judgments and direct myself instead of being
directed by outside influence. In this I also commit myself to stop charging ‘national
pride’ with a negative value realizing it as something that is ingrained in the
system that will take a lot of word and time to be rid of which I will probably
not see in my life time.
When and as I see myself go into an experience of anxiety
towards wasting time I stop myself breathe and practically investigate where I justified
wasting time. I realize the anxiety as self judgment where I waste time judging
myself instead of dealing practically with the fact I’m wasting time.
I commit myself to investigate practically where I abdicate
responsibility during my day and take on each point of abdication practically so
that I may become a responsible trust worthy being and not waste time charging
anxiety.
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